Forever in my heart
A clean and fresh magnolia painted room
In the corner stood a floral tub chair
With matching green solid wood furniture
What was I doing here, it didn’t seem fair
“Make yourself comfortable,
And unpack your bag” the nurse said
Did she have any idea or even care?
What was going through my head?
Slipping between the crisp white sheets
Letting myself relax and lie back
Unsure what I should do next
I decided to keep busy and started to unpack
Relaxing back into my pillow
Gazing out of the window and into space
At 19 I had always taken life for granted
And now very soon both life and death I would have to face
I led trying to relax a while
Medical staff came and went
Poking and prodding and dishing out drugs
But I still didn’t understand what all this meant
I led waiting for something to happen
And as I did I started to think
What was the meaning of life and death?
Would I ever find the link?
I had once been told
For every birth there is a death
We shouldn’t think of our loved ones dying
But instead think of them at rest
I had been brought up to have faith in god
The almighty being bringing peace on earth
Healed the sick, created the world
Then died for us, always putting us first
A strict Christian upbringing with equally strict morals
Always followed the rules, never did anything bad
But now I felt punished by God
What had I done for him to make me so sad?
I had been lost in my thoughts
Almost didn’t feel the pain
Not only was god taking him away but
Putting me through this when I had nothing to gain
Once it had started It all happened so fast
The staff tried to guide me through
But I was young and frightened
I didn’t know what to do
I was hurting inside and out
But did exactly what they said
Felt a tear roll down my cheek
When she announced she could see the head
And so my baby boy was born
On that cool September day
But God why put me through this
Can I ask if I may?
Gorgeous Black hair and beautiful brown eyes
4lb exactly and perfect in every way
My best and worst moment rolled into one
But never will I forget that day
To my baby boy Andrew
Never did I hear you cry
See you smile, crawl or walk
Or hear your first Hi!
Andrew, I never got to say hello to you
So unfair that day I had to say goodbye
You were cruelly taken from me
And only God knows why
To my baby boy Andrew
I love you more than I can say
Please God if you are there
Take care of my baby until I meet him one day
Alone with your Thoughts
In a warm sunny room
With a large bay window on the west facing wall
The sun is starting to set
When I hear that familiar creak at the door
In she walks, always the same time
Carefully shutting the door behind her
Kicking off her shoes, her coat falls to the floor
Quivering lips replaces that smile that once were
I watch her admire her newly decorated room
Dusky rose shades cover the walls
Matching pretty floral curtains and bedding
Trinkets and treasures cover the pine chest of drawers
Suddenly she walks towards the window
Gazes out onto the horizon but closes her eyes
She is remembering everything that has happened that day
No day seems to go smoothly but full of lows and highs
I sit on the bedside table next to the matching pink lamp
Watching her turn and walk towards me and sit on the bed
She is thinking and sighs when she realises how much she needs me
She knows I am the only one who won’t repeat what’s been said
As she sits and ponders
She suddenly remembers I am there
She picks up her pen
And that awful day she starts to share
How honoured I feel to know her deepest thoughts
Secrets, lies, fears, hopes and dreams
What has been said, what hasn’t, what needed to be
What has happened, what didn’t, what might have been
I accept the good and the bad
I don’t judge or despair
I just sit and listen, while she babbles on
I don’t have an opinion, maybe I just don’t care
You see when she has finished
Scribbling frantically down
I am put back in the drawer
And again left alone!
Walking on Ice
Christmas time, first day on the rink.
Families skate, bonds tight,
Linked arm in arm.
My Daddy takes me on the rink.
Mummy takes photos for a family album.
My baby sister’s first Christmas.
She lays in her pram unaware.
Neither of us know how our lives will change.
An icy chill sweeps through the air,
Mummy shivers, pulls Daddy’s coat tight around her.
Rows often erupt during our family days.
Sometimes mummy finds me sobbing under the bed.
She pulls me tight always saying sorry
I know it will start again tomorrow though
Today though, today seems too good
Until mummy’s face crumples
As she stares at the phone.
Looking up at Daddy
Tears streaming down her face
Daddy drags me over the ice
Mummy is upset, Daddy doesn’t comfort her,
Instead glancing at the screen
Mummy is crying, shouting, slapping
How could you, It’s not what you think
We are just friends, liar.
Mummy and daddy are saying words I don’t understand.
They walk in opposite directions.
I do not know which way to run.
I need them both, I love them both
But mummy is crying, mummy needs me.
Daddy I am sorry, I love you but
Please don’t make mummy cry
One Slip, Heavy Fall
April born,
her first Christmas envelops her
I want it to be perfect
if I stay quiet, out of his way, he won’t get angry or shout
I cradle baby while he takes our oldest onto the rink
he has never bonded with her
he loves her - but because he thinks he should
I send them off, watching them skate hand
in hand
questions of my fidelity from people who don’t matter
dominate my thoughts,
a thousand times I’ve said ‘lets get the test’
but his bond with her is shattered
I value love and marriage, I believe it’s forever
divorce is no option,
work through it all together,
the good, the bad, the rough, the smooth
that’s what love is all about isn’t it?
Relationships are like that, put up and shut up,
as long as you love, nothing else matters,
he is entitled to moan if dinner is not on time
or I missed a spot with my cleaning, his shirts need washing.
He is helping me improve myself
and be a better housewife,
he doesn’t want me going out
he worries about me so much
he would never hurt me seriously.
I sit thinking how lucky I am, a loving husband
who watches my every move
to take proper care of me,
keeping me at home simply to protect me
from the awful truth of the world
I don’t talk to other men
he says they are only after
one thing,
I happily snap pictures on his mobile phone
the familiar beep makes me jump
Carla,
Someone he works with, overtime again?
I’ll shout the message over to him in case it’s important
I glance down,
a wrong number,
a mistake, I would have known.
Am I really that stupid?
Do I have the awful truth?
Questions make him angry,
I have tried so hard to keep him happy
I don’t like it when he shouts
I get so frightened where it may end
as ice slips under him
my life falls,
melts,
this moment,
freezes.
