Forever in my heart

A clean and fresh magnolia painted room

In the corner stood a floral tub chair

With matching green solid wood furniture

What was I doing here, it didn’t seem fair

“Make yourself comfortable,

And unpack your bag” the nurse said

Did she have any idea or even care?

What was going through my head?

Slipping between the crisp white sheets

Letting myself relax and lie back

Unsure what I should do next

I decided to keep busy and started to unpack

Relaxing back into my pillow

Gazing out of the window and into space

At 19 I had always taken life for granted

And now very soon both life and death I would have to face

I led trying to relax a while

Medical staff came and went

Poking and prodding and dishing out drugs

But I still didn’t understand what all this meant

I led waiting for something to happen

And as I did I started to think

What was the meaning of life and death?

Would I ever find the link?

I had once been told

For every birth there is a death

We shouldn’t think of our loved ones dying

But instead think of them at rest

I had been brought up to have faith in god

The almighty being bringing peace on earth

Healed the sick, created the world

Then died for us, always putting us first

A strict Christian upbringing with equally strict morals

Always followed the rules, never did anything bad

But now I felt punished by God

What had I done for him to make me so sad?

I had been lost in my thoughts

Almost didn’t feel the pain

Not only was god taking him away but

Putting me through this when I had nothing to gain

Once it had started It all happened so fast

The staff tried to guide me through

But I was young and frightened

I didn’t know what to do

I was hurting inside and out

But did exactly what they said

Felt a tear roll down my cheek

When she announced she could see the head

And so my baby boy was born

On that cool September day

But God why put me through this

Can I ask if I may?

Gorgeous Black hair and beautiful brown eyes

4lb exactly and perfect in every way

My best and worst moment rolled into one

But never will I forget that day

To my baby boy Andrew

Never did I hear you cry

See you smile, crawl or walk

Or hear your first Hi!

Andrew, I never got to say hello to you

So unfair that day I had to say goodbye

You were cruelly taken from me

And only God knows why

To my baby boy Andrew

I love you more than I can say

Please God if you are there

Take care of my baby until I meet him one day

Alone with your Thoughts

In a warm sunny room

With a large bay window on the west facing wall

The sun is starting to set

When I hear that familiar creak at the door

In she walks, always the same time

Carefully shutting the door behind her

Kicking off her shoes, her coat falls to the floor

Quivering lips replaces that smile that once were

I watch her admire her newly decorated room

Dusky rose shades cover the walls

Matching pretty floral curtains and bedding

Trinkets and treasures cover the pine chest of drawers

Suddenly she walks towards the window

Gazes out onto the horizon but closes her eyes

She is remembering everything that has happened that day

No day seems to go smoothly but full of lows and highs

I sit on the bedside table next to the matching pink lamp

Watching her turn and walk towards me and sit on the bed

She is thinking and sighs when she realises how much she needs me

She knows I am the only one who won’t repeat what’s been said

As she sits and ponders

She suddenly remembers I am there

She picks up her pen

And that awful day she starts to share

How honoured I feel to know her deepest thoughts

Secrets, lies, fears, hopes and dreams

What has been said, what hasn’t, what needed to be

What has happened, what didn’t, what might have been

I accept the good and the bad

I don’t judge or despair

I just sit and listen, while she babbles on

I don’t have an opinion, maybe I just don’t care

You see when she has finished

Scribbling frantically down

I am put back in the drawer

And again left alone!

Walking on Ice

Christmas time, first day on the rink.

Families skate, bonds tight,

Linked arm in arm.

My Daddy takes me on the rink.

Mummy takes photos for a family album.

My baby sister’s first Christmas.

She lays in her pram unaware.

Neither of us know how our lives will change.

An icy chill sweeps through the air,

Mummy shivers, pulls Daddy’s coat tight around her.

Rows often erupt during our family days.

Sometimes mummy finds me sobbing under the bed.

She pulls me tight always saying sorry

I know it will start again tomorrow though

Today though, today seems too good

Until mummy’s face crumples

As she stares at the phone.

Looking up at Daddy

Tears streaming down her face

Daddy drags me over the ice

Mummy is upset, Daddy doesn’t comfort her,

Instead glancing at the screen

Mummy is crying, shouting, slapping

How could you, It’s not what you think

We are just friends, liar.

Mummy and daddy are saying words I don’t understand.

They walk in opposite directions.

I do not know which way to run.

I need them both, I love them both

But mummy is crying, mummy needs me.

Daddy I am sorry, I love you but

Please don’t make mummy cry

One Slip, Heavy Fall

April born,

her first Christmas envelops her

I want it to be perfect

if I stay quiet, out of his way, he won’t get angry or shout

I cradle baby while he takes our oldest onto the rink

he has never bonded with her

he loves her - but because he thinks he should

I send them off, watching them skate hand

in hand

questions of my fidelity from people who don’t matter

dominate my thoughts,

a thousand times I’ve said ‘lets get the test’

but his bond with her is shattered

I value love and marriage, I believe it’s forever

divorce is no option,

work through it all together,

the good, the bad, the rough, the smooth

that’s what love is all about isn’t it?

Relationships are like that, put up and shut up,

as long as you love, nothing else matters,

he is entitled to moan if dinner is not on time

or I missed a spot with my cleaning, his shirts need washing.

He is helping me improve myself

and be a better housewife,

he doesn’t want me going out

he worries about me so much

he would never hurt me seriously.

I sit thinking how lucky I am, a loving husband

who watches my every move

to take proper care of me,

keeping me at home simply to protect me

from the awful truth of the world

I don’t talk to other men

he says they are only after

one thing,

I happily snap pictures on his mobile phone

the familiar beep makes me jump

Carla,

Someone he works with, overtime again?

I’ll shout the message over to him in case it’s important

I glance down,

a wrong number,

a mistake, I would have known.

Am I really that stupid?

Do I have the awful truth?

Questions make him angry,

I have tried so hard to keep him happy

I don’t like it when he shouts

I get so frightened where it may end

as ice slips under him

my life falls,

melts,

this moment,

freezes.